My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
