Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize