His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
