Quick, to the slutcave!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize