Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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