I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
