the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
