we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
