My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
