the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
someone owes me an orgasm
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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