Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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