masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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