Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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