1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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