I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
