I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize