: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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