dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Semen is not good for contacts.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
