You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
