I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
