They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Randomize
