I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
