Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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