I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
