i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So many bounce houses so little time
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
