highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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