I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
