Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I sprained my soul last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
