Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
