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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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