Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
