The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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