When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
