i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize