he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize