What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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