I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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