I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
