Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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