dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
