I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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