The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
