and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
