Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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