If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
