mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
As shirtless as possible
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
