I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
