I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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