Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
