Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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