just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Randomize