well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
