Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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