I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
