4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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