Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
