I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
