1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
