He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
