I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
