he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
